The Unrequited Love of Hestia Jones
by Insomnia Cafe
Summary: Marauders' Era: In the aftermath of a battle at Hogwarts, the Marauders, Lily, Hestia, and Emmeline all have to deal with the consequences. But Hestia keeps falling deeper and deeper...both in love with Sirius Black and in her own nightmarish memories...


* * *

_**The Unrequited Love of Hestia Jones**_

* * *

Hestia walked along the dark, empty hall in a listless way. She didn't know where she was, nor did she care. It wasn't the stone corridors and the dimly lit torches that she saw anyway. In her mind's eye, it was always the same picture.

Fenrir Greyback's ugly face, sneered in pleasure as he caressed her where she'd never been touched before. His large hands, tearing off pieces of her shirt, trying to unzip her pants, impatiently forcing his manhood on her even though he was so busy ravaging her that he didn't have time to take his own clothes off.

It had been a month ago. A month ago today, she reminded herself. A month…but still the image was as fresh in her mind as if it had happened just hours ago.

How did one get over something like this? How could one ever forget it? She didn't know…nor did she know who to ask, if there was anyone she'd known who had something like this happen to them. There wasn't anyone…

_No, _she thought, _there's Lil._

Ahh…that was right…in that alley that one day. But nothing had happened. Not anything serious. Lil herself went into it in detail, but none of her descriptions matched even close to what Hestia went through.

She didn't have anyone

It wasn't like any of the others could understand. In the past month, they've all had their own battles to overcome. Lily had almost killed that one Death Eater that Hestia found her cursing. James had seen it all, as had Sirius, both of them dueling and taking out their opponents with agility and precise minds. That battle hadn't really seemed to phase them at all.

Emmeline, of course, had been very distraught and couldn't keep recounting how horrible she felt during the battle. All she did was stand there and throw childish insults, she would say. Her bruises weren't born with pride from any battles. All she felt was guilt and bitterness towards herself.

Of course, this whole new thing between James and Lily wasn't helping matters at all. It had made Emme feel very vulnerable and more like she didn't have anyone she could trust. Hestia was very close to siding with her on this one. After all, there wasn't anyone in their group that she'd been able to trust with any of her feelings after the battle. Not that any of them knew. Not that any of them cared.

_No…_her mind protested. _Sirius…Sirius cares…_

He had, at first. During that first week, he seemed to be able to see through her disguises. During the day, she would smile and laugh along with everyone else, but it was always forced. She would go to classes with them and do her schoolwork and listen to the conversation, but she never pitched in anymore. The more they talked, the more she found herself lost in a daydream. Only it wasn't a dream. It was a nightmare.

Because Fenrir was always there.

_  
_James could tell something was wrong after a while. Hestia knew that he kept pestering Sirius about it, but he never told. It was almost like he was trying to forget…as if forgetting what he saw that monster do to her was going to simply make it go away.

_Well, guess what, Black. It's not going anywhere. You can forget it as much as you like, but I can't. I don't think I'll ever be able to. He's always going to haunt me, no matter how much I try. No matter what I do, or where I go, he's always going to be there. I can't get rid of him, I can't get him off me, I can't get him out of me…_

_  
_She kept walking, paying no attention to how many stairs she had gone down, or how many passages she had passed. If she had been paying any attention at all, she would have seen that she was clearly way under the lake right now. Somewhere to the north of the dungeons used for Potions classes. But just precisely where, she had no clue.

Sometimes it was easier than others to forget. When she was with Emme, holding her and letting her cry on her, she could forget, if only for a moment. When she thought of how much Emme must be hurting, or when she thought of the bastards that killed Lily's parents as she helped Lil walk into the hospital. It was easier, then, to focus on their problems and try to help them get through it all. It was easier then because their problems were greater than hers.

So what if she'd nearly been raped, she tried to tell herself. Lily's parents had been _murdered, _for Merlin's sake. Wouldn't she much rather have been raped than to have her own parents die? Her sister?

Hestia tried to tell herself that actually being hurt, thrown into a wall, been Stunned or cursed or physically bruised like the others all have would have been far worse. She tried to tell herself that she could have been seriously hurt.

But it never worked. Because she knew deep down that she would much rather have been cursed and left bloody and broken…she would much rather have had to deal with the deaths of those she loves…then to have to feel Fenrir viling her all over again every single night. To have to watch him, to have to hear him…not just that one time…but every single time she closed her eyes. Every time she was left alone and had none of her friends there with her.

Like now.

* * *

It was well after midnight.

Sirius sat in the common room, staring at the fire. All he could think about was Hestia. Hestia, writing that letter to him. Hestia, proclaiming her undying love for him. Hestia, laughing but never smiling. Hestia, staring at the wall blankly. Hestia, saving everyone after the battle. Hestia, lying on the ground underneath a Death Eater, half of her clothes ripped off. Hestia, screams of pain and fright turning into whimpers when she realized that no one was going to save her….

Sirius brought his head up sharply. He berated himself for letting his thoughts drop back to what had happened at the battle. He had sworn he wouldn't think about it since that week.

Obviously, it wasn't working.

_Stop that. It was over a month ago. It's over and done with now. Nothing happened, she said so herself, because you came along and stopped it. And see? She's completely fine now. Has been for weeks. Whatever happened in that room has only left the smallest of scars. Hell, it hardly left any _real _scars at all. It's over._

But a small part of him refused to believe that. It was a very small part—usually residing somewhere between his heart and his groin, and most often taking on the voice of Remus.

_It's not nothing, _it said. _It's not over. You know it's not. She knows it's not. Stop pretending like it's nothing. What you saw…it wasn't like seeing Marlene McKinnon snog that Ravenclaw. It wasn't like accidentally walking in on Bella and Lestrange shagging. It wasn't like any of that. He was making her do it. She was crying and screaming and that son of a bitch wouldn't stop. It's _not _nothing!_

Sirius shut his eyes tight, willing the voice to go away. _Shut up, shut UP! She's fine, she's perfect, she's all right. There's nothing wrong with her. She's just the same old Hestia that she's always been, forever looking out for the rest of us, forever making jokes and smiling impishly, forever pranking you back because she knows she can get away with it…_

_She's just Hestia. She's herself. Always has been and always will be._

But even as he told himself that, Sirius knew that wasn't true. Because she wasn't. She hadn't been Hestia in that room. She was…she was someone else. A defenseless girl who was being raped, who screamed and cried. That wasn't Hestia. Hestia never cried.

That was someone else.

It was with this mantra that Sirius had gotten through the rest of the month. It was thanks to himself pushing this voice away that he was able to talk with his friends and laugh with them. It was this that made him shove aside those thoughts he kept thinking every morning that said Hestia wasn't looking very well. That she was getting paler every day and wasn't eating more and more. That she probably wasn't getting any sleep at night, either.

Of course, it was easy to believe that nothing was wrong with her. She smiled and laughed like she always did, but if he had been paying attention, he would have noticed that her smile never reached her eyes and that her laughter was forced.

If anyone had been paying any attention at all, they would have seen. But James was too hooked up in Lily, and Lily was too lost in James, and both Remus and Emmeline were too busy scowling at the new happy couple and trying to get back at them by nearly hooking up themselves that no one _had _noticed.

And Sirius…he was too busy making himself think that everything was fine to concentrate on the fact that nothing was fine.

That nothing had been fine for a long, long time.

Thus, it was nearly one o'clock and Sirius was still sitting beside the fire, staring into the empty grate and thinking only of Hestia.

In fact, he was too busy thinking to notice that the painting had swung open, revealing a brightly beaming James.

James walked over and sat down beside him, still smiling.

"Hey," he said.

Sirius looked up, having just noticed him.

"Hey, yourself," he replied. "Taken a bout of Fidelius for a midnight snack?"

"No," James said, grinning. "Just gone on a wonderful date with the most beautiful woman in Hogwarts."

"_Just _gone? But Lily came back hours ago, where've you been?"

"Oh…out. Walking. Thinking of Lily. Did you know she has green eyes? The most gorgeous pools of emerald I've ever seen…."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Yes, Prongs. I've known she's had green eyes since first year."

"Did you know that she's got the prettiest red hair in Scotland? No…in all of the British Isles…that ought to do her justice…"

"Yes, Prongs. I'm aware of her red hair."

"Did you know that—"

"Prongs! Could you shut up about her already? Not that she's not great and as wonderful as you say she is, and all, but…" he fidgeted. "I have something to ask you. Something serious."

"Something Sirius? I'd hope so, seeing as it's coming from you. Wouldn't want you to start sprouting hazel eyes and glasses, now would we?"

"_James! _Cut it out!" he yelled.

James furrowed his brow, obviously taken aback. "All right…all right, I'm sorry. Really. You can tell me now, I'm listening."

Sirius hesitated. He pulled out Hestia's letter out of his pocket, then put it back in. Then he thought some more, pulled it back out and shoved it into James' hands.

"Read it," he said roughly.

Looking confused, James looked at the letter in his hands, noticing Hestia's fine, loopy scrawl.

Sirius fidgeted some more. He watched James' eyes go down the length of the letter, then back up to the top and start over again. When he'd done this the third time, Sirius couldn't stand it anymore.

"So?"

James looked up. "So?"

"So what do you think I want to ask you?" he snapped. "How to carve a pumpkin and roast its seeds? No. I want to know…I need to know…" he stood up and started pacing. "_What do I do?"_

The other boy thought about it. "Did she give this to you?"

"No."

"Did you find it in her things?"

"Yes."

"Does she know you have it?"

"No."

"Then it's obvious," said James.

"It is?" asked Sirius.

"Of course. She doesn't know you know about her feelings. What you should do is put the letter back where you found it and never let her know—"

"_What!"_

"—And then—hang on, I'm getting there. And then, whenever she's least expecting it, go to her and confess your feelings for her. But _don't _let her know that it was you reading her letter that prompted it. Let her think that you've been driven wild by your feelings that you couldn't keep them secret anymore," James finished.

Sirius gaped. "But I'm not—I haven't—"

"Oh, please. A rotten corpse could have felt the chemistry between the two of you and known you were perfect for each other. And that rotten corpse wouldn't have been sharing a dorm with you, either. I know all too well what you dream about. You only talk in your sleep often enough…"

Sirius was too busy feeling stunned to have the decency to blush.

He opened his mouth to protest, but had to shut it again.

_He's right…that bloody git is right…all I've been thinking about is her. Maybe it's not because of the battle at all! Maybe it's because I just want her back again. _

_But bad enough to risk ruining our friendship and telling her how I feel?_

It only took him a second.

_Hell yes._

James watched him bemusedly. "Then go and get her."

"But—but I can't, she's—she's asleep."

"No she's not," said James. "I saw her walking down to the dungeons about a half-hour ago. Probably wanting to sneak into Slughorn's office and set up a prank. If you run and dodge the prefect patrol, you should get there in time. They were heading up to the towers last time I saw. You'll be safe."

_Safe—with Hestia—_

Those were his last thoughts before he tore out of the common room and ran to find her.

* * *

Hestia was walking along the empty corridor when she saw it. Two eyes floating out of the darkness eerily. Her whole body tensed, her throat seized, she couldn't breathe, she couldn't breathe…

_I'm imagining it, I'm imagining it, I'm imagining it, _she told herself.

But the eyes stepped into the dim light and she saw they belonged to a face. A face with dark hair and black robes. And then she knew that she wasn't imagining it at all. He was there. Fenrir Greyback was there and he was going to finish what he started.

"Jones…" said a voice.

"_No,_" she whispered, beyond terrified. "No, no, no, please don't…please, please, don't do it…not again…"

"Jones, what are you—"

"NO!" she screamed. "Get away from me, _get away from me!"_

But he just came towards her. "Jones, I'm not going to hurt you, could you please keep it down?"

"_Stop it! _STOP IT!" she cried. "LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!"

Before she could stop, she launched herself on him, wand lying forgotten on the floor. He cried out as she started hitting him and screaming, but she wasn't paying attention. All she could see in her mind's eye was his filthy face, of his sneers and looks of lust. All she could feel was his hands under her robes. All she could hear was his voice taunting her and hurting her…

She kept screaming, thrashing around, not even noticing that she wasn't standing anymore, but lying on the stone floor, with him on top of her, pinning her down.

It was happening…it was happening all over again, and this time Sirius wasn't going to be coming to save her. This time she wouldn't be able to recover.

This time, she was completely on her own.

* * *

It was when he heard her screams that his heart sped up and he fell down the last staircase in order to get to her.

_No, no, nononono, not again, please not again!_

He ran, harder than he had ever run in his life. Down the corridor to the dungeons, past the empty rooms, down several more steps—he had never been in this part of the castle before, but that didn't stop him as he ran blindly in the dark, towards her voice.

When he rounded the corner and stopped breathless, his face turned ashen at the sight.

Severus Snape was sitting on Hestia, pinning her down as she writhed and screamed in agony, her eyes shut tight, tears streaming down.

"GET OFF HER, YOU SICK BASTARD!" he roared.

Snape's head jerked up, his eyes showing his alarm. "I didn't _do_ anything! She just started attacking me, and she won't stop screaming! I didn't—I'm not—"

But Sirius didn't have time for explanations. He ran forward and shoved the Slytherin off.

But even without him pinning her down, Hestia didn't stop. In fact, she seemed almost oblivious to it. Her body was throwing itself all around the stone floor, her head colliding with the wall, her arms wrapped around herself as though trying to ward someone away…

And then it hit him.

She thought that Snape had been Greyback. She thought Greyback was going to try and rape her again, so she had thrown herself at Snape and started to attack him. And then when Snape had to resort to sitting on her and pinning her down to stop hitting him, she had gone on to full-blown panic mode.

And as Sirius and Snape stood there and watched her scream and thrash around, he could tell that she didn't know where she was anymore. She thought she was back in that room with Greyback during the battle.

She was trapped inside her mind.

More voices could be heard, more students showing up and watching her writhe on the floor. Nearly all of the Slytherins were there, and most of the Hufflepuffs. But Sirius didn't pay them any mind. All he could see was her.

"Hestia," he whispered, going down next to her. He tried to avoid her flailing limbs, but it was hard. "_Hestia_! It's all right! It's all right, he's not here! He's not here, he's gone, it's all right!"

But she was screaming to loud to hear him.

He thought he heard McGonagall behind him, but he didn't move. "Hes! Stop it, you're okay! He's not here, he's never going to touch you again, he's never going to kiss you again, he's never going to hurt you. I'll _never _let him hurt you again, all right? I'll be with you…I'll protect you…"

He kept talking. And as he talked, he noticed her movements getting slower, her screams getting softer…

"It's all right, Hes," he whispered, gathering her up in her arms. Her legs jerked, her eyes fluttered before rolling into the back of her head. "I'm here…I'll protect you…I'll save you…_I love you, too_…"

She suddenly went still in his arms, her body very limp, her face white.

Sirius stood up with her in his arms and turned around to find fifty students filling up the packed corridor, blocking his way to the hospital wing.

"Move—everyone move!" McGonagall said sharply at them all, her voice carrying.

With a million eyes on him, Sirius walked through the parted students. He wasn't even aware of the tears streaming down his face, or the stares and whispers from all around him. All he could concentrate on was getting to the hospital wing. Not to Madam Pomfrey…but to Dumbledore. He'd know what to do.

And then, in the midst of all the pale faces, one stood out whiter than the rest. Remus was there, his eyes drawn to Hestia's limp form, face terrified. He broke through the crowd and got to Sirius.

"Moony," he heard his voice say as if from far away. It took him a while to recognize the empty, listless tone as his own. "Get James, Lily, Emme, and Peter. _Now!_"

Remus didn't need to be told twice. He took off in the opposite direction, leaving Sirius alone to carry their best friend up to the hospital wing, flanked by McGonagall, Slughorn, and a very white Snape.

He was too busy casting worried eyes and helpless looks at the limp girl in his arms to notice that the beloved letter that he had so previously held so tightly and adoringly in his hands had flittered to the floor, trampling beneath hundreds of feet, its rose-red ink seeping like blood into the stone floor…

* * *

_Dear Sirius,_

_I know I have never told you this before. I know that I have never shown, never let my feelings known…but I wanted you to know. _

_I want you to know, in case anything ever happens. In case something goes wrong as it so often does. I don't want to live with regrets…or die with them. I don't want to look over my shoulder for the rest of my life, wondering if things could have been different if I'd told you. Wondering if we could have been together._

_Because I love you. Simpler words were never spoken, but I have no other way to put them—no other thing to call these feelings for you that I possess. Yes, at first, it as loathing…then hate…but as we grew older and became friends, it was a closer bond than either of those. _

_I don't know when it became something more for me. I don't know if it ever became more for you, or if you ever cared enough to let it. I don't know…and I don't suppose I ever will. Because I'm never going to send this letter to you. I thought myself a Gryffindor…but I'm simply a coward. A lovelorn fool who will be stopped at nothing to protect those she loves…but is too afraid to do what it takes to tell the one who's protected her the most that she loves him._

_And I do. I love you, I love you, I love you. Even though you're an arrogant prick who gets any and every girl he wants, who flaunts around how smart and cunning he is, who pranks those weaker than him because it's "fun"._

_Because I know that's not the real you. I know it's just a façade that you put on so people don't realize that you're not really like that. That there's a tender side to you, a kinder side, that no one ever sees because you're too afraid._

_But I saw it. I see it every day. And I can never tell you._

_Just like how I can never tell you that during that battle at Hogwarts…when Greyback took me…all I could think about was you. I saw him curse you. I saw you fall. Then he took me and he…but I couldn't think about that. All I could think about was you. Praying to the Founders that he hadn't killed you. That you were still alive. That you would still be you._

_And I knew then that I could go through anything…anything…even what Greyback did to me. If I knew that you would be safe, alive, and well. If I knew that you would live…even if it was to love another in the end…I could have dealt with it. And I knew I would have to, because that is just what happens with you. Something bad happens and you take comfort in someone who wasn't there. Just as I was far too much there and involved for you to seek comfort from._

_But I was there, just as I am here. Because of you…_

_Because you walked into that room and saved me from him before he could complete what he had come there to do. He would have killed me when he was through with me…you knew that…but you didn't let him. You saved me._

_You are my Black knight in shining armor. My tall, dark, and handsome prince on a shining white stallion. _

_And I will always love you. As long as I am still breathing. Because thanks to you…I am. I'm still breathing…_

_And now…good night. I'll see you in the morning at breakfast, no doubt when the owlpost comes, since you're always late in the morning. And you'll smile at me and say "'Morning, Hes" like you always do, and I'll smile and nod back. Because you're like that, and you always will be. _

_How could you know about this little letter tucked away in my book? How could you know that I love you when I never show it? How could you…when it's my secret, and my secret alone. _

_And you will never know._

_As always, with love,_

_Hestia Jones  
_

* * *


End file.
